the Army's new speech prepping GIs for Iraq

Yahoo (Kristin M. Hall, AP) wrote about the Army test people prior to exposing them to conditions that will result in traumatic brain injuries.

Picture Sgt. Hulka from Stripes giving the following speech:

While you are in my Army, you are government property.

The Army loves you and wants to take good care of its property.

Because of this great love the Army has for you and your bodies the Army has become more successful in treating battlefield injuries than in the past. This is especially true of brain injuries.

You are part of the 101st Airborne Division. The Commander and Chief of the most powerful military in the world has ordered the 101st Airborne Division to Iraq. That means you and your bodies are going to Iraq.

Unfortunately, there are people in Iraq who do not want the U.S. military to be there.

While you will be more successful at killing them than they will be at killing you, some of you will be killed and injured.

My Army is wise and learns from experience. Experience tells us that some of you will receive traumatic brain injuries.

In order to take the best possible care of its property the Army wants to learn more about traumatic brain injuries.

People with traumatic brain injuries are kinda fucked-up. But my Army is wise. The Army has observed many soldiers without traumatic brain injuries are kinda fucked-up. Some of you may even think I'm fucked-up.

So, the Army wants to know how much traumatic brain injuries increase the amount a soldier is fucked-up.

To measure your basic fucked-uppedness the Army has designed a test. This test measures your brain, like a hearing test measures your ears. The Army wants to know if you lose hearing due to loud noises. And now the Army is working on measuring how badly its loved ones get fucked-up by traumatic brain injuries.